Overlooking26’s Weblog

Have I ruined everything

With my incessant need for devotion

For intimacy

Will you allow it to continue

I want you all the more

I love you for your passion

The astounding sexiness of your demeanor

Your quiet calm

Like the eery stillness before the storm starts

You excite me

Just thinking about the ways you’ll delicately caress me

Inside and out

I’ve never had a better lover

I’ve never had a better friend

You always stand up for me

You always defend me

Even when I know I don’t deserve it

Your devotion in the absence of any formal promises

Is our unspoken contract

A somewhat dangerous way of believing

I’m told

But I can see it in your eyes

I can feel it in your touch

I hear it in your deepest breaths

The day it’s gone

I’ll know

And chances are I’ll be gone then too

I hate that day for its ominous presence

I hate the possibility that I’m naively vulnerable once again

But what is love without faith

Without trust

It is nothing

At least nothing that I want

Promises are as dangerous as those who make them

I know the extension of our love

Its growth is encouragement

That’s what I have to believe in

That’s what I know is real and true and perfect

What do we even say to each other

How are we supposed to act

All these years later

I don’t know you anymore

On purpose

But I don’t

I can’t pretend

You think you know me

You don’t know anything about me

I’ve let go of a lot of the anger

But some of it

Well some of it

I don’t want to let go of

Some of it is what pushes me

To prove you wrong

You weren’t horrible

Of course not

Its rarely that simple

I have used up all my words for you

They’re gone now

So I open my mouth to say something to you

But there’s nothing to say

I’m someone else’s now

I don’t have room for you in my life

Are you bored with me

Have we become boring

Do you pine for me like you used to

How do people keep relationships interesting

Is it all just insecurities about the future

About my past

I don’t want anyone else

I don’t care about anyone else

You’re the only person who’s ever been so sweet to me

Sometimes I feel so horrible and difficult

I adore you

I hope you know

You make me feel comforted and secure

And loved like no one else

I’ve not had that before

I’ve never been at ease with a lover

You think of things I am not even cognisant of

It means the world to me

What do you do

If all that comes out seems to be sadness

Will it always be such a struggle

To achieve something, some place

Some where of solace

My insecurities are abundant

I guess that’s obvious

I don’t want to be defensive

I want to pour out the love I feel

How can you not

How can you not have words

Cause I have too many

You said once that I was your world

Were you really just scared

Do you ever search out the things that make me, me

Why is your love so consuming

Maybe its me

Maybe I allow it

Maybe I adore it

The grey is over-taking me today

It is entering my nose

Through my breath

It is becoming a part of my identity

It is enveloping my heart

It is trading places with my soul

It is the color of plain-ness

It is the color of sadness

It is a state of mind

I know that I require more than most

I know I don’t give friends and lovers a break

I am impossible

Why do I have such cravings

Why do I have need

I guess there will always be some need

Am I one of those colorless ladies

Trying to create the red from nowhere

I enjoy the rainy season

Maybe too much

I’ve always felt at home with the difficult

I’ve always felt at ease with a challenge

I don’t want it your way

Whatever it may be

I need it my way

I will immaturely fight for no reason

Other than to feel justifiable

Why am I so surrounded by doubt

Why do I feel neglected and alone

God, I am needy

He says its ok to be

I don’t see it

I really just want to be held

Believe me, I’ve resisted it

I’ve created space where I lack

So I have to deal without

I’m torn

I feel really torn

I run to comfort when I’m surrounded with frustration

Is that fair

Why am I always so concerned with fair

Maybe its just not going to be fair today

Maybe my heart is aching and my eyes are full

For a totally unfair and unjustified reason

But I can’t shake it

I want this reality that has no room to exist

I feel dis-ease

I feel dis-comfort

I have learned

A lot lately

But 

But what

You have lack

You are not enough for yourself

There I admit it

I’ve put myself out there in an entirely new way

Why do I feel like we’re pretending sometimes

I know better

But I’m not into listening to my head right now

I always end up taking things too far

I did not want to be here

I feel isolated

I feel alone

I feel so vulnerable

And alone

I wanted him to be my savior

I didn’t say it

The tears were me mourning my inability to cope

Why do I feel like a failure if I need someone

Like I’ve let down the goddesses that have raised me

Why is it me that is left feeling empty

Does he have these feelings

Even if he doesn’t have the language for them

Sometimes I feel like there’s so much ambiguity in my life

Sometimes I feel like an open book

My cards are close to my chest

But my eyes and my heart are open wide

Typical

So fucking typical

And alas

I have lost my sense of metaphor

I speak plainly now

I no longer shy away from blatant honesty or sincerity

Two years now

Dear god….

Nearly two years

You’re different then I thought that long ago

But so is everything

So is everything

I have no explanation

I have to turn a new leaf

I have to become a better version of me

I have not been living love

I have to change

I have hurt someone I love

Deeply

Without even knowing it

I wish now I could take back those selfish words

I try to deny it

Say I had good intentions

Did I though

I am shit

I have to practice restraint

I have to slow the impulse to spew

I deserve this shitty feeling

Intention is what I preach

But to whom

Obviously not myself

My past has taught me to withhold

That is unhealthy

I have to grow

I have to aim to move forward

I have to let go of immaturity

What can I really say

What can I decide for others

Enough of your pompous, self-righteous attitude

What the fuck do you know

Who the hell are you

Tell me what you’ve done

Tell me what has become of your intentions

I am forgetting myself

I am showing a lower state of being

You have to practice what you preach

You have to exist as love

As the love that you are

As the love that is the truest parts of you

Take a breath

Let it go

Move on with renewed faith in yourself