You as  you that you don’t want to be

A you that in part, I regrettably wish you were

It’s not, the big things

Of course

But the little ones

The ones that we no longer talk about

The ones that have been brushed up under the rug

And forgotten

At least until doubt comes by

Oh the doubt

How I wish it weren’t around

How I long to have an epic battle that eliminates her presence from my life and my thoughts forever

Unconditional love is something that I’m startlingly good at

Cause your intentions are there

And the love is so thick

Sometimes it engulfs us

I don’t ever for a second doubt the amount of mutual love

And lust

And adoration

We have for one another

Just sometimes

Usually when I’m already doubting myself

My brain takes a hiatus

And decides to be particularly picky about you

I know that’s not fair

You don’t deserve my critique

But that’s what lovers do to each other

It’s part of the seemingly endless battle within that I’m working on

I know I’ll never reach perfection

But you love me regardless

And I feel deserving

For once

Of the reciprocation of love

I’ve been feeling odd lately. I’ve been confused by my lack of language for my space. But I think I’ve figured it out a little bit. Its that my space is what’s all different. Its my space that’s no longer mine. Now my space is our space, and I love that. I’m not complaining, just adjusting. Language is tricky. It takes what feels like such an individual private thing, and makes it something that anyone can talk about, cause we all have the same language and the abilities to manipulate it. I wish there were other ways to indulge you. I wish there were other ways to adore you and express my love. I mean I know there are and I do them. But it seems inadequate. It feels like there’s a level of depth lacking….

What can I do

Its all already been done

Why does it always elude me so much

I feel  like I’m finally getting some inner peace

That’s been priceless

I’m absolutely petrified

For many reasons

Most are obvious ones

I can’t fathom this space without you

I know we’ll all get by

Maybe I don’t want to

Maybe I’m a selfish ass

That familiar drowning feeling is taking me over today

I don’t know what I need in this moment but

I know that there’s comfort in knowing this feeling won’t last

Knowing that each new day brings new opportunities

And I sound like a sucker

I finally have some confidence back

I finally feel my footing again

I’ve missed that feeling

That supported loved feeling

Is that what he felt like before

It’s a horrible feeling

I have a hard time getting close to ladies

Honestly, I have a hard time getting close with men

They always take it the wrong way

They always think there’s more going on

A phenomenon I really don’t understand

I am not sure if you know enough about that side of me

I know there’s things we won’t know going in

But I’m a little freaked out

I know I was the one pushing

I know I wanted this

And I still do

I can question it but still want it, right

I don’t understand where this idea of absolute certainty came from

What in life is completely certain

I’m not a shit if I’m unsure

I just am confident that I don’t know everything that’s ahead

Isn’t that smarter

Knowing you don’t know

Instead of thinking you know it all

And then getting utterly crushed when it changes

I’ve been there before

I won’t do that again

I want to be with you all the time

I’ve never had someone I liked so much

For so long

Aren’t you scared that’s going to change

I mean I’m sure you’re scared

But once you’ve decided something

You just seem so decided on it and comfortable with it

I adore that about you

Even if its a facade

I can’t convince myself the way you do

But I am happy

And I look forward to those days

I just have commitment issues

I get scared cause of my past

Which I know isn’t fair babe

How do you make it go away

I want you all the time

I’ve never felt so close

You’re so sweet and caring

I’m overall excited

There’s just always those slight apprehensions

I guess

Am I a bad person cause I acknowledge them

So close

So out of reach

I am not a patient person

Does that mean I am not a virtuous woman?

I’m not even sure what exactly the definition of virtuous means

I used to thrive on my lack of conformity

These days those wars seem less important

And I hate to say it, but less mature

There’s something about grey that brings me acceptance and makes me humble

I want to make a difference

I’ve just realized that I don’t know everything

I barely know anything

We’re not taught to be great thinkers anymore

We’re taught to negotiate the TV and the Internet

Not the inner workings of earth and science

We’ve lost that inquiry of the space that’s all around us

The simple things, the basic things

Are actually quite fascinating

I’m learning to appreciate silence more, calmness

This calm before the storm is a true test of that

I want be a good doctor. I want to be a good listener. I want people to know that they are safe with me. I want people to feel comfort and calm. That’s the whole part of traditional medicine that I don’t like. The rush, the arrogance, the isolating, alienating sterile white rooms. I want you to feel familiar. I want you to feel like you’re visiting with me and dishing about your newest circumstance.

I loved the first time I went to see a Naturopathic doctor. They wanted to know it all. My diet, my exercise routine, my job, my stress, my poops. I thought it was great. I found speaking about things that people rarely ask me about, allows me to reflect in a whole new way. I began seeing congruencies and having epiphanies about intake and its repercussions. It was liberating to say the least. I felt like I had a new ability to step back and use my knowledge of myself to be my best doctor. I became more aware of my choices in my day-to-day. It was nice and affirming, cause believe it or not I had waited til I was applying for Naturopathic school to actually go and visit my first naturopathic clinic. It just had always seemed like a privelaged thing. But that’s the wonderful thing about Portland and NCNM being here. The students need clinics to practice at. So there are many community clinics where people can see students (supervised by doctors) and it’s actually affordable. I recommend it for everyone!

Isn’t it

I always find it humbling when I realize how connected we are

We all are

Why do we avoid eye contact

Why do we avoid interaction

When its the one thing we all secretly crave

I’m a talker

I kinda never shut up

I have my reasons

Humans are just so interesting

I’m a  good listener

I’ve been told that’s what people like about me

Sometimes I feel like such a phony

My mind gets distracted somewhat easily

And then I forget the details

There’s always too many details

I’d rather feel that connection in the moment

I’m sorry to say, I might not remember it forever

I think I’ve damaged the memory parts of my brain

I just don’t notice the details

My roommate teases me about not noticing when we got a new fridge

I’m just much more interested in how your day was

In what drives you

In what your passions are

I don’t care what pattern the drapes are

I want to know what your sex life is like

I want to know what your dreams are about

I want to know what your beliefs are

I want to know the good stuff

I want to create a safe space for you to ask questions

Maybe get a few answers from my experience

I’ll tell you whatever you want to know

My life’s pretty wide open

I want to learn from you and your life

Its the same reason I offend people

With my frankness

I don’t understand what we’re all so private about

Just be accepting

And respectful of people’s boundaries

We’re all worth loving

We’re all worth everything

This place makes me disgusted

With everything that is around me

The people,

The mechanics of the job

The inability of others to do a job successfully

That requires so little from me to do it flawlessly

The smell of alcohol on his breath

And his clothes every morning

It makes me hate alcohol

It makes me never want to touch a drop of it

And affect someone else’s day by my debauchery again

I hate his triggers

The parts of his brain that have failed him

The way his father has enabled his behavior

And allowed his dis-function to create familiarity

I hate how it’s allowed

And we’re expected to negotiate his insanity

I hate the deadbeat idiots

That parade thru the office day in and day out

With such agony over the nonsense I call a job

I hate the shooting, stabbing pain in my shoulder

And my wrist everyday

I want to walk

I hate that something as ridiculous as money makes me stay

I really do

I just haven’t had the time to think lately

I flipped the other night

I woke up at 2 AM to a sickening, panicky feeling

So intense I couldn’t get back to sleep

I started crying and tossing and turning

Finally, my efforts were rewarded

The sweet man next to me awoke

Asking what was wrong in his half awake state

Its the scariest craziest most exciting thing ever

You know

I mean who knows what it’s going to be like

Who knows how I’m going to be like

It’s really going to be this all-encompassing thing

And I’m glad for it

I’m in need of lots of it

But in my mind it has this distant looming-ness to it

It’s so not real yet

I haven’t done much to prepare for it

I mean the last two years have been preparation

But how do you prepare for the unknown

You just gotta jump in

It’ll be nice to have the summer off to mentally prepare

It’s just so vague