Overlooking26’s Weblog

What do you do

If all that comes out seems to be sadness

Will it always be such a struggle

To achieve something, some place

Some where of solace

My insecurities are abundant

I guess that’s obvious

I don’t want to be defensive

I want to pour out the love I feel

How can you not

How can you not have words

Cause I have too many

You said once that I was your world

Were you really just scared

Do you ever search out the things that make me, me

Why is your love so consuming

Maybe its me

Maybe I allow it

Maybe I adore it

The grey is over-taking me today

It is entering my nose

Through my breath

It is becoming a part of my identity

It is enveloping my heart

It is trading places with my soul

It is the color of plain-ness

It is the color of sadness

It is a state of mind

I know that I require more than most

I know I don’t give friends and lovers a break

I am impossible

Why do I have such cravings

Why do I have need

I guess there will always be some need

Am I one of those colorless ladies

Trying to create the red from nowhere

I enjoy the rainy season

Maybe too much

I’ve always felt at home with the difficult

I’ve always felt at ease with a challenge

I don’t want it your way

Whatever it may be

I need it my way

I will immaturely fight for no reason

Other than to feel justifiable

Why am I so surrounded by doubt

Why do I feel neglected and alone

God, I am needy

He says its ok to be

I don’t see it

I really just want to be held

Believe me, I’ve resisted it

I’ve created space where I lack

So I have to deal without

I’m torn

I feel really torn

I run to comfort when I’m surrounded with frustration

Is that fair

Why am I always so concerned with fair

Maybe its just not going to be fair today

Maybe my heart is aching and my eyes are full

For a totally unfair and unjustified reason

But I can’t shake it

I want this reality that has no room to exist

I feel dis-ease

I feel dis-comfort

I have learned

A lot lately

But 

But what

You have lack

You are not enough for yourself

There I admit it

I’ve put myself out there in an entirely new way

Why do I feel like we’re pretending sometimes

I know better

But I’m not into listening to my head right now

I always end up taking things too far

I did not want to be here

I feel isolated

I feel alone

I feel so vulnerable

And alone

I wanted him to be my savior

I didn’t say it

The tears were me mourning my inability to cope

Why do I feel like a failure if I need someone

Like I’ve let down the goddesses that have raised me

Why is it me that is left feeling empty

Does he have these feelings

Even if he doesn’t have the language for them

Sometimes I feel like there’s so much ambiguity in my life

Sometimes I feel like an open book

My cards are close to my chest

But my eyes and my heart are open wide

Typical

So fucking typical

And alas

I have lost my sense of metaphor

I speak plainly now

I no longer shy away from blatant honesty or sincerity

Two years now

Dear god….

Nearly two years

You’re different then I thought that long ago

But so is everything

So is everything