Overlooking26’s Weblog

I have no explanation

I have to turn a new leaf

I have to become a better version of me

I have not been living love

I have to change

I have hurt someone I love

Deeply

Without even knowing it

I wish now I could take back those selfish words

I try to deny it

Say I had good intentions

Did I though

I am shit

I have to practice restraint

I have to slow the impulse to spew

I deserve this shitty feeling

Intention is what I preach

But to whom

Obviously not myself

My past has taught me to withhold

That is unhealthy

I have to grow

I have to aim to move forward

I have to let go of immaturity

What can I really say

What can I decide for others

Enough of your pompous, self-righteous attitude

What the fuck do you know

Who the hell are you

Tell me what you’ve done

Tell me what has become of your intentions

I am forgetting myself

I am showing a lower state of being

You have to practice what you preach

You have to exist as love

As the love that you are

As the love that is the truest parts of you

Take a breath

Let it go

Move on with renewed faith in yourself

Of course I miss you

I miss sleeping next to you

I miss seeing you those five days every week

I miss your soft skin next to mine

I miss my fingers tracing the familiar curve of your body

While we drift to sleep

When our bodies interlace into one blob

One standard figure of lovers’ cuddle

I miss your naked butt against my thighs

I miss your hand on my leg

I miss waking to your sweet face each morning

Of course I miss you

When we sleep in our separate homes

In our separate beds

With our separate vices

I hate to admit it

Or say it out loud

But most nights

I don’t sleep so well without you

How do you show someone the path you’ve taken

How can you say that’s not the way to happiness

You gotta be free

Not obligated

But we’re all independent lil people

We all get to make our own choices

That’s the eternal struggle

Trying to right the wrongs of your own past

Trying to find a semblance of forgiveness

From the gods of fate

I can’t change what I’ve done

I can’t

But maybe I can balance it out

Maybe I can speak my truth

Its a fine line between advice and opinion

I don’t speak with the wisdom of my age

I never sound so eloquent

I doubt my words too often

The conscious is a funny thing

One that keeps you awake at night

Listening to the sound of your lover’s silent slumber

Wondering what his dreams are of

The ones he won’t speak of

Distractions of outside noises or inside noises

What’s really keeping you awake

You’re lack of ability

The words that once flew freely

They now fall on deaf ears through Internet databases

Of blogs and emails and silent readers

Who know nothing of the realities they speak of

The safe way of expression

The cowardly way

Of course you can’t sleep

You have so much to say

I awoke this morning to the familiar household noises

My roommates getting ready

Doggies running around wrestling

I reluctantly roll up and out of bed

Climb the stairs and put my oatmeal on the stove to cook

I take a mildly warm shower (because that’s all that would come out)

As I’m exiting the bathroom on this second day of October

I hear the familiar sound of Portland weather

The RAIN

I missed it

I find myself welcoming it

I get sick of it, like everyone else does

But I’m a season-er

I have to have the seasons to keep me sane

And this signifies the next season

FALL

Fall is wonderful, October/November in particular

I love pumpkin picking/carving

Making apple pies, and hearty root vegetable stews

Sitting on the porch with a book, a blanket and a cup of hot tea

The smells

The colors

The big orange moons

The leaves

The Harvest

I love it

It makes my heart happy

It reminds me of apple orchards in Michigan

It reminds me of first dates

It reminds me of hope and adventure

Most of all

It makes me reflective and appreciative of change

Of the space I have on this planet

Of the people that keep my heart warm in the winter months

Happy October!!!