Overlooking26’s Weblog

Its so odd

How when you let go

Give up trying to control

How free you end up feeling

The one thing you have to do is relinquish control to fate

To time and to trust

Devotion to the extent that you have faith that the best will happen

To believe in the path of life

I have decided

With intention

To let go

I can’t control it anyway

I am trusting in the life of love

In the feeling in my gut when I look at your sweet face

We’ve found our way for this long

Intersection of two very different worlds

We’ve found common ground

And common love

So I am trusting that completely

Do you ever find your heart aching

Where you can’t find your voice

Where you can’t find your breath

Do you ever feel lost and alone

No matter how many people are around

No matter how the traffic and the busy-ness never stops

Do you ever keep yourself busy enough so you don’t have to think

Think about these things

Think about your choices

Think about your actions

Those decisions you made

When you were younger

When you thought you were invincible

But your most recent slap of reality

Your emergency visit

The reminder of your mortality

Its made you think

Think about the dark places of your brain

Think about the decisions you’ve made without regard for future

And the voices of friends and family are ringing in your ears

The little words of wisdom that had gone ignored

The efforts of advance warning

You thought would never apply

Its so hard to change that perspective

Its hard to let go and move on

So I never had much affection one way or the other for my internal organs

I knew they were there

I knew they did their jobs

Processing blood and food and farts and disposing of wastes

I mean who even thinks about their insides that much

You don’t see them

Most of the time you don’t feel them

They’re just kinda internally there

Doin their thing

I would even go so far as to say that I’ve gotten good at ignoring the occasional pain

Shooting stab of indigestion

Or bloated-ness

But yesterday….

It was not to be ignored

My insides were PISSED OFF

I woke up like usual

5:45 am, got up, put on water for tea, jumped in the shower

I lathered, rinsed, repeated

Things were going along just smoothly

Or so I thought

Then at about 6:30 I found myself double-over in pain

Sharp deep stabbing internal pain

Now I hate to admit it but this had been happening more and more and

I had been ignoring it

I had brushed it off a few times.

This time was the worst for sure and it was not subsiding

So after trying to hold out, sleep it off, crap it out, walk it off

I finally gave in after two hours

I desperately called my friend

One of the best ladies a girl could ask for

She lovingly dropped everything

And came and drove me to the ER

She even stayed with me in the room for hours of my whining uncomfortableness

She stood up to the doctors and nurses who wanted to ignore me

Claiming abdominal pain wasn’t “usually” life-threatening and dying people took precedence

I understand this but i was in self-proclaimed, excruciating pain

Finally they asked tons of questions and gave my sorry ass some morphine

This did next to nothing

Then maybe an hour later, I got some dilaudid

Claiming to be eight times stronger than morphine

This medication lasted about an hour

Throughout all of this the pain was never gone

Only covered up or distracted from my immediate consciousness

I was then taken to get an ultrasound and scope

Neither one was very fun

Then taken back to my waiting room and began the insurance discussion

Seriously

After telling at least four people who worked there that I had Kaiser insurance

After being there for six hours and seeing no less than four doctors and three nurses

This is when they chose to act like this was brand new information

So they made some phone calls and I was sent by ambulance to a Kaiser facility

Here my room was cozy and the ladies in the OB unit were much friendlier and more helpful

They continued with the questions and the dilaudid/morphine combo

They said I came right at the time of a shift change

Silly me for inconveniencing this process

Now in ER they had told me that they found a 9 centimeter cyst on my left ovary

Here they were saying 13 centimeters and that due to the amount of pain I was in 

That it was most likely twisted around the ovary itself

I was given all the possibilities of what would happen once they “went in”

Best case scenario was the laproscopic procedure with four small incisions around my belly button

Where they would put in a scope and use a video-type device to get the thing out

Worst case scenario was a C-section type incision and complete removal of the cyst and ovary

I started to freak out a little

But I got to sit on this information for about two hours

While they changed shifts

So I had to go through the third round of questions for the day during I think my thirteenth hour in a hospital bed curled up in pain

Luckily I have amazing friends and a loving amazing boyfriend who all called and cared and sat with me at different intervals throughout their days

Finally at about 8:30-9 pm I was taken in for this ambiguous surgery where I might lose Ol’ Lefty

I never had felt any love for her

I never had thought about her

I wasn’t even sure at times that I was meant to have her

She will mostly likely never drop the fatal egg that would bring forth life

She usually caused me a day’s worth of pain and bloating every other month

Still I didn’t hate her or like her

She was just there doing her thing

And I tried to avoid letting her fulfill her purpose completely

So I was a little unsure of why I was so upset at her possible loss

Except for that old adage, “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” 

I didn’t want to use her potential but I also didn’t want to lose her

Selfish I know

Back to our story at hand

After I think about two hours of surgery

I was awoken to nurse on my left, Shane on my right

Weird massaging things on my legs

Tubes and wires out of weird places

Oxygen across my face

The “works”

I was in a bit of shock

The doctor came and told me in my half-conscious state

“We got the cyst laproscopically and saved the twisted up ovary”

I was thrilled

There’s more but as I’m sitting here with a belly full of soup and water and gas

And only four small incisions

I find the rest of the story a bit insignificant

Portland, You have never been an easy lover. You have caused me to search for strengths and means in ways that I never was prepared for. You have brought and taken lovely people from me. You have taught me to appreciate the rare months of sun. You have been cold and harsh. You have been brutal and honest. You have made me learn life’s hardest lessons at the worst times. You have literally kicked me when I’ve already been down. Regardless, I still find myself in love with you. Not everything about you, but in an unconditional, sisterly kind of way that I cannot adequately put into words. I try to speak of all the lessons I’ve learned. I try to relate to others the immense adoration I have for a difficult yet beautiful place. But I have no words. I have no ability. Its not as easy an explanation. Its not as simple as a poetic line. Its an experience, one that is different for everyone. How can I possibly try. Its insulting to you to try. My mouth will never capture the experience of you. My mind will never fully understand the journey my heart has undergone here. However, this is my sappy attempt to capture the love I feel for Portland.

Two things have been constant in my life. One living near water. Growing up just outside of Detroit, surrounded by the Great Lakes, there were always vacations and fun times in the nearby waters. Two having found a sense of family in my friends. Overall, Portland you’ve been good to me. You have allowed me to find respect for change. You have taught me to quiet within myself and focus on the identity of me. You have taken me up the highest mountain and left me for dead. You have made me find my way back. You have left me abandoned in the sea. I have fought my way back to shore. Nothing about my two years here has been easy. Its a bit bizarre cause its a very accepting, open, community oriented, supportive kind of place. I cannot say from experience, but I feel that it may be reminiscent of the Bay area in the 60’s and 70’s. A gathering place for like-minded folks from all sides of the country. A place where sustainability and tolerance are bred in the hearts of all. A place where young spirited people are everywhere, riding bikes, growing gardens, getting involved.

I’ve had my moments of doubt that I belonged. I’ve had times where I wanted to retreat. But for now, for this time and place…I am here and Portland you are my home. And believe it or not, I’m kind of in love with you.

So i’m sitting here dog sitting for my friend who is also dog sitting for her coworker. Now this house of mine already has two dogs and two cats. At the moment there are two extra doggies. Yeah, that’s right……four dogs and two cats in one house. Thank god Linea is wonderful enough to allow such ridiculous amounts of four legged beings in here at once. And to be fair I think the cats have both taken off outdoors for the day due to the k-9 presence. 

Anyways, my original point was going to be about how much i hate fleas and do not understand their purpose. I know that evolutionarily speaking the two major aspects of a species surviving is its ability to reproduce and its ability to adapt to its environment in a way that sustains itself. Fleas have accomplished these “survival of the fittest” qualifications. They lay eggs in random tiny places, like dogs fur, cats fur, floor boards, couch cushions, blankets, pretty much the small inconspicuous locations that allow these eggs their required germination uninhibited by hunters. I am partly guessing here. I do not officially know the environmental challenges for a modern day flea. But considering I have recently found out that they live off of dust and blood, these locations seem appropriate. And that they are small, and jumpy I think it’s safe to guess their existence is only complicated by, well, humans. 

I have a relatively easy time with most bugs. I don’t usually mind the summertime fruit flies or the regular old flies that buzz around my light when I’m reading at night. Or the mosquitoes, who i’ve negotiated a deal with when I eat garlic and don’t wear deodorant. Or the occasional moth or whatever other little flying crawling things you can think of that find refuge in our house in the summer and often times winter. I can handle and deal with all of them.

But the fucking fleas! They are exhausting my resources and making me and probably all six of my furry friends mad.

The cats are good sports about it and really the dogs aren’t bad either. Last weekend I decided I would no longer sit quietly by waiting for the flea medication to seep into the animals’ pores. I decided to stop the problem where I thought it was repetitiously coming from. I washed every blanket, sheet and rug in the house. I then vacuumed the entire house and immediately triple wrapped the vacuum bag and threw it in the garbage. Kasha and Calpurnia both got salt scrubs, brushings, oil applications and dried pennyroyal applied.

Still the fucking fleas are persisting.

Poor Linea who owns the two other animals, went out and bought flea medications for the other guys.

Still the fleas persist.

Molly has started complaining of phantom flea nips and to be honest I’m a little paranoid myself. Kasha will get her second flea treatment next week, Cal got her first last night. As much as I love Portland and I adore this house………..well I am at the end of my rope about the fleas. 

FUCKING FLEAS!!!

Teeter-tottering

On that delicate balance

Between neurosis and insanity

I thought I figured some things out

I think I’m starting to realize how it must feel to be going schizophrenic in your late twenties

That’s when it happens, you know

Seems so bizarre

That you could live a quarter of your life “normal” and then

BAM

SHIT

FUCK

I’m insane

I’m driving everyone around me completely nuts

Including myself, my dog, the people I like best

I think I’ve analyzed beyond a healthy point

You know, the point where you’re talking yourself in circles around things that don’t really matter

Around things that aren’t even really what you wanted to be thinking about in the first place

Then you find every excuse for your erratic behavior

Suddenly nothing that happens in your life is your fault

There’s always some one, or some thing, or some sequence of events to blame it on

Nothing’s wrong

Nothing’s right

I just feel fucked up

I feel confused

I feel lost and no matter how i try to grasp it

Well i can’t find my way out

I can’t wrap my head around it

I’m doing the things i want to be doing

I feel more centered and grounded than i have in a long long time

I have a majority of my “shit” together

But what

I mean WHAT!!!!

I don’t know that I’ll ever be satisfied

I don’t know that i will ever leave well enough alone

I create anxiety in my poor significant other over completely asinine things

Things that aren’t even real things

Just the things that seem to pop into my head to bring up

No wonder

When i don’t know how to deal with the instability of my life

I find comfort in the crazy

I search out the things to find a place to blame the confusion on

My self

My brain

But its not me, right

Its not….i mean I’m so self-aware

And then i let myself relax

I breathe into my proverbial paper bag

Step back,

“in with peace out with love”

And then I’m done

There’s the calm

There’s the familiarities

There’s the things and people that bring me joy

There’s the hope

There’s the light at the end of the tunnel

There’s all the loving spaces i’ve created with the amazing people i’ve connected with

So….summer classes

Why am i taking them? I hate them. I try to pretend that its not that bad. I try to pretend like i don’t care. “Summer classes? Who doesn’t take them” But i secretly hate them. This is the second time in my life that I’ve taken summer classes. The first time around, not so bad. But probably because i hadn’t been in school for two years. This summer, this year……i hate it! I had a one week break between spring and summer term. One week is not enough in my opinion. I need to regroup, refresh, remember why the hell i am taking summer classes at all.

Ok, sorry. Just needed to vent. For those of you other sorry souls, who are in summer classes, how are you feeling? Let’s unite against the necessity for summer classes. I have no choice. I have to take these classes so i can take other classes come the fall (which i don’t even want to think about me and my bad attitude come organic chemistry time). Oh well….i have to keep telling myself, fingers crossed, one more year. One more year and then i will be fully immersed in the naturopathic program and will not have to work full time and will just be a 100% student for the first time in my post-high school career. I cannot wait. I know I’ll have tons of work to do for school but i won’t have to worry about finding time to study etc.

Thanks for cyber-listening everyone!