Overlooking26’s Weblog

Do you ever wake up and realize how good you’ve got it

Of course not

None of us do

But when change and uncertainty leave us lingering

We feel vulnerable

We grasp those fond “good times” of the day before

Before we heard the blow

Before we knew what was to come

Before the ominous pattern of humanity digs its teeth in further

Whenever i have nightmares i twitch in my sleep

This weekend i had some wicked dreams I’m proud to say were silly

But at the time they’re so real

And my bed-partner of the last year and a half was literally struck

By my restlessness

In the oddest of places,

In my deepest drunken dreams

The kind of drunken dreams that you know some psychologist somewhere has an explanation for that you’re actually dying to hear

Irrational fears and all

He was by my side

Pushing me to my side of the bed we were sharing in the cozy coyote

He pretends to even care about my nonsensical REM-ness on our hour drive back to the city

Part of me knows what some of it is

Part of me, the most illogical parts of me

Well they think its the antiperspirant deodorant i used the day before toxifying my system

And part of me thinks its just plain old insecurities coming thru

Like they usually do when things are static

When things in one aspect of my ridiculous life are good while the rest of it is ch ch changing

(theme of the week? see previous post)

Regardless, this strong handsome sweet man that i adore like no other

Well he was there

He didn’t do anything big and great

He didn’t say the right thing

Or look the right way

But his presence and his calmness were exactly what i needed

He allows me to be me completely

Never makes me feel badly about being me, even when I’m being crazy and i know it

He takes me in stride and smiles sweetly

This is something you don’t get to put on the list of desirable qualities

This is something you can’t necessarily be looking for

This is what every girl, lady, woman, person needs

A calm supportive partner who looks deeply at you

And smiles

The words of one of my favorite ladies….this line is ringing in my ears. Summer usually means uninhibited fun times, sunshine, camping trips, hikes with the dogs, bbq s, fresh veggies and gardens, bike rides, beer, all really great things that i love so much. Things that don’t seem nearly as exciting and blissful any other time of year. But this summer, this year, summer means change. Change in a way that i avoid thinking about until its approaching and then i freak out cause its so much. In a place like Portland, the place I’ve come to love and call my home, the place where summer means change like it doesn’t in most other places, it means a break from the monotonous rainy drizzle. Everyone here seems lighter, (if possible) friendlier, traffic seems more tolerable…you get the picture right? Portland thrives on the changes that happen to it in summertime.

This summer is no exception. As we’re finally easing into the season of sun, i find that as mobile and malleable as i think I’ve become, I am not ready for it. This year there is too much change and my tough exterior that probably only appears in my head, is fading. I attended an amazing wedding this weekend. An incredible union of two of my favorite folks. It was a camping wedding out by the mountain. It was a lot of fun. But these lovely friends of mine are leaving. Moving across the country yet again and although I’ve known this for months, i found my half-sober, half-asleep ass crying at my desk this morning thinking about it. And not even necessarily just them leaving, but my mind has this tendency to snowball. Those of you who do this know exactly what i mean. All of a sudden its not just Mike and Nads leaving, its my landlady coming back, its my lovely TT moving out of the house, its Gabe leaving meaning that Ari will be even more removed from the house…..that’s a lot of change for a Gemini who’s forcing herself to be comfortable with changes.

I feel torn. I feel guilty for expressing remorse and at times contempt for these changes, but i know that they are necessary. I know that they are part of the human process. I know that they are part of life. I know that they will bring these amazing people into the lives of other amazing people who need them. I know that i am immensely happy for them and supportive of them. But god dammit!!!! For two seconds I’m being selfish. For two seconds i want to throw a tantrum and tell them not to go. Grab them by the legs and put all my weight on their feet (come on, you remember doing it as a kid). Instead i write. I write sappy, remorseful words that can’t seem to find their ways out of my mouth. Words that can’t seem to find their voices in the audible sense, but are at peace in ink. My words are my new favorite tool. Ones that i cling so strongly to. Ones that serve me well in my ability to relay to the people i love, how much i love. I find it hard to suppress anymore. Some people love it, some people think I’m becoming lame, some people think I’m too idealistic, but i don’t care. I say what I’ve got to say because that’s all i can really do, right? A friend, gave me a magnet last year for my birthday that clinches what the hell I’m trying to say…..”there is no cure for love, but to love more”. I cannot stop expressing the things I’ve spent my 26 years trying to convey. I have found my voice and with no apologies and no filter, I’m telling you what I’ve got to say. My purpose is to be self-aware and to have no regrets.

So to everyone i love, to all the changes coming my way in the next few weeks, to the random order of life, to the connections we’ve made, to the reunions i will look forward to from here on out, I am putting the intention into my resisting tongue and i embrace you. I am ready. I will be ok with it all and know that i will be a better person for it someday.

We sit like strangers

Not even touching

Not even looking at each other

Truth is I want you closer

Truth is I have desires

I enjoy the game

My heart races

Beating in rhythm with the neurosis going on in my mind

Will he touch me

Will he lightly brush against my arm

Will the hairs on the small of my back stand to attention

Will my muscles start to tense up

Will this one single touch create a chain reaction of other touches

Of other pulses racing

Will the hairs on my arm follow suit

Will I feel the quivering start

Then you’ll start to rub my arm or my leg

Maybe you’ll react to my reaction

Our intensities edging each other on

Daring each other to go further

Then you look at me

From over the top of your glasses

You’re eyes look so calm but excited

Your hand slides down my leg

Then its over

I have no patience

I grab you full force

Then you’re on top

Our mouths touching

Our bodies pressing

Hands fumbling

I’m trying to ignore that the door is wide open

With my pants down and my own legs wide open

With my bra half off and my shirt pushed up

There are magazines under my ass

And somehow its still the hottest thing

I like that you let me be aggressive

I like when you’re a bit aggressive

Pulling my hair

Biting my neck

Then we somehow make it up on the bed

And just the look I give, you know I’d rather the door was shut

We exchange gazes

We exchange fluids

We swap spit

And sweat

And then you hold me

I mumble ‘i love you’

You lean in and return the words shyly in my ear

With love…..

Some things and faces you might be missing

I saw your post on wordpress about the things that you will miss in Mexico. I thought maybe you’d like to see some photos of what you might be missing or might be excited to come home to. Now I am not trying to compete with a year of adventure in Mexico. I mean, how could I. But just thought you might like to see something familiar

Write me a poem

Tell me a story

Give me words that are mine and no one else’s

Speak to me in a whole new way

Give me yourself as much as you can allow

I see the way you look at me

I feel the way you touch me

I’ve known all along who you were

I want those sweet eyes to see me

I want those strong arms to hold me

I want your smell surrounding me

I need your voice ringing in my ears

You make me feel confident and proud

You teach me in ways I’ve never known

Your sincerity penetrates all the walls I’ve built around me

You’ve made me a better me

By being an amazing you

Am i getting soft

Am i losing that youthful radicalness that creates and inspires

I feel more low key

I feel more subdued

Have i lost my passion

Have i lost my ethics

Am i becoming my mother

There’s some crazy things going on

Ones that i don’t fully understand

Things i never saw coming

But its ok

Nothing horrifying

I’ve just spent a good deal of my life being spacey

Not thinking about the things that most people talk incessantly about

But now

Now that my time is limited

Now that i have people in my life that depend on me

And animals that depend on me

Things have changed

Probably not in an entirely unique way

That’s probably why most people talk about it

But all of a sudden

I’m an adult

I have responsibilities

It is weird!

And i find that the things i used to rally about

And talk about

Well they’re still there

They’re still in the back of my mind

But i spend far less time acting on them

I spend far less time doing things about them

I don’t think i’ve lost my passions

I don’t seem to have given in the regular shit

But seriously

What the fuck

Who am i

I want to play outside

I want to talk in coffee shops for hours

I want to be free

And somehow

Some days

I don’t seem to do anything that i truly want to do