Lately I’ve been thinking about body image and eating disorders a lot. I personally think we all have somewhat of eating disorders. I mean as Americans, we either over-eat or under-eat or just plain don’t think about what we’re eating. I have some strong politics around food, but as I’ve been spending more of my days sitting on my bum. I can’t help but wonder how much my food choices are based on body image issues.
Now let’s cut down to it. I know I’m not fat or even ridiculously out of shape. I think people need to recognize that there’s a difference between someone saying they feel fat and saying that they are fat. If I say I’m feeling fat, I really mean that I feel bloated and probably haven’t pooped in eight hours. I have a healthy digestion and feel horribly awkward when I go longer than “normal” without a bowel movement. This makes me think back to when I was 20 and had just gotten a job at a health food store in Clinton Township, MI. My boss had a bunch of us sit in on a nutritional training. This was my first training and it was all about bowels and digestion. Now I have a big mouth and am pretty open about everything, but this was the first exposure my uncomfortable recently post-adolescent self had had about such a topic. I had not eaten meat for six years at this point, but did not consider myself healthy nor did I know anything really about nutrition. So there the four of us cashier ladies sat, in my boss’s tiny office crowded around a man on speaker phone talking about cleansing and digestion. I felt incredibly embarrassed just sitting there listening to this man talk about “eliminating” three times a day or at least every twelve hours. I remember thinking that sounded ridiculous. I thought, all you’d ever be doing is pooping. I’m proud to say that I currently eliminate two to three times a day. I walked out of the training thinking that was more than I ever wanted to know about my bowels.
As time went on, I learned a lot about nutrition and slowly started to eat better. I’ve moved completely away from fast food. I do occasionally indulge in a cheese-less personal pizza from pizza hut with olives and mushrooms. I really think that is the most unhealthy thing I eat. I’ve also changed to buying mostly, if not all organic produce and grains. About a year and a half ago, I also quit eating dairy. And I feel much better!
The topic I’d like to return to though is food consciousness and body image. I sit on my butt 40 hours a week at work and 10 hours a week at school and probably another 10 hours a week doing homework. So needless to say I am not very active at this point in my life. I’m not crazy about the idea of a gym and I can’t afford yoga classes. I used to jog but due to a previous foot surgery, my left foot has been getting swollen whenever I go. So I either end up doing yoga alone at home to a video, or bike or hike or uh…nothing. This has affected me recently. I used to jog three miles a few times a week. So I’m feeling stuck. I don’t have much more time to commit to exercise and my options seem limited. So I find myself turning to eating and diet (when I say diet I mean my personal intake of food, not a diet that I am on). I drink mostly water (tea once or twice a day), started eating a salad for lunch everyday and peanut butter oatmeal for breakfast. I try to eat early dinners with whole grains and steamed greens whenever possible. I rarely eat out. These are all good things, but my middle is still getting round. I don’t know what else to do. When I snack it’s usually nuts or sesame sticks or fresh fruit. I’ve cut out chips and pretzels. The only other thing I eat is popcorn in the evenings once a week, but I make it on the stove with olive oil. I add flax to my oatmeal to get more fiber. I take acidophilous every morning when i wake up. My intake is obviously not the problem. I have refused to purchase new batteries for the scale in the bathroom cause I will obsess over my weight. I know its ridiculous. I am more healthy overall than most people I know. I know in my head I’m not fat. But when I’m in the shower and I look down, I don’t like what I see. I have no idea if I’m just being too critical. I feel that women in America have a horribly distorted view of themselves and their bodies. I know everything in life is a choice. I could work less or school less and exercise more. I could find a job that pays better so I could afford yoga classes. I could make adjustments. I just get frustrated and want to feel good about myself. I spend a lot of time and money making good choices of what goes into this body of mine. So I want to be happy when I look at it naked. I don’t really have a great amazing solution. I’m just saying that even when you seem to be doing whatever you can with what you’ve got, our society is so fucked up that I still feel fat at 5′9″ 150 lbs.
