Overlooking26’s Weblog

So we made it through our first month of living together. And we even still like each other. I even still get excited to see your beautiful face. There are these moments, these really cheesy moments that I probably wouldn’t willingly tell most people about. Where you just do something or say something in a certain way. Sometimes its your eyes, sometimes its your words, sometimes its your mouth, but it just makes me weak. In that moment, I have absolute certainty that I am wholeheartedly in love with you. I am absolutely certain that you and I are one for life.

I’ve been feeling odd lately. I’ve been confused by my lack of language for my space. But I think I’ve figured it out a little bit. Its that my space is what’s all different. Its my space that’s no longer mine. Now my space is our space, and I love that. I’m not complaining, just adjusting. Language is tricky. It takes what feels like such an individual private thing, and makes it something that anyone can talk about, cause we all have the same language and the abilities to manipulate it. I wish there were other ways to indulge you. I wish there were other ways to adore you and express my love. I mean I know there are and I do them. But it seems inadequate. It feels like there’s a level of depth lacking….

God, I mean what can I say

What can I do

Its all already been done

Why does it always elude me so much

I feel  like I’m finally getting some inner peace

That’s been priceless

I’m absolutely petrified

For many reasons

Most are obvious ones

I can’t fathom this space without you

I know we’ll all get by

Maybe I don’t want to

Maybe I’m a selfish ass

That familiar drowning feeling is taking me over today

I don’t know what I need in this moment but

I know that there’s comfort in knowing this feeling won’t last

Knowing that each new day brings new opportunities

And I sound like a sucker

I finally have some confidence back

I finally feel my footing again

I’ve missed that feeling

That supported loved feeling

Is that what he felt like before

It’s a horrible feeling

I think I feel closer to people who met me when I was vulnerable

I have a hard time getting close to ladies

Honestly, I have a hard time getting close with men

They always take it the wrong way

They always think there’s more going on

A phenomenon I really don’t understand

I am not sure if you know enough about that side of me

I know there’s things we won’t know going in

But I’m a little freaked out

I know I was the one pushing

I know I wanted this

And I still do

I can question it but still want it, right

I don’t understand where this idea of absolute certainty came from

What in life is completely certain

I’m not a shit if I’m unsure

I just am confident that I don’t know everything that’s ahead

Isn’t that smarter

Knowing you don’t know

Instead of thinking you know it all

And then getting utterly crushed when it changes

I’ve been there before

I won’t do that again

Its weird how quickly I’m feeling so domestic

I want to be with you all the time

I’ve never had someone I liked so much

For so long

Aren’t you scared that’s going to change

I mean I’m sure you’re scared

But once you’ve decided something

You just seem so decided on it and comfortable with it

I adore that about you

Even if its a facade

I can’t convince myself the way you do

But I am happy

And I look forward to those days

I just have commitment issues

I get scared cause of my past

Which I know isn’t fair babe

How do you make it go away

I want you all the time

I’ve never felt so close

You’re so sweet and caring

I’m overall excited

There’s just always those slight apprehensions

I guess

Am I a bad person cause I acknowledge them

There’s so much looming

So close

So out of reach

I am not a patient person

Does that mean I am not a virtuous woman?

I’m not even sure what exactly the definition of virtuous means

I used to thrive on my lack of conformity

These days those wars seem less important

And I hate to say it, but less mature

There’s something about grey that brings me acceptance and makes me humble

I want to make a difference

I’ve just realized that I don’t know everything

I barely know anything

We’re not taught to be great thinkers anymore

We’re taught to negotiate the TV and the Internet

Not the inner workings of earth and science

We’ve lost that inquiry of the space that’s all around us

The simple things, the basic things

Are actually quite fascinating

I’m learning to appreciate silence more, calmness

This calm before the storm is a true test of that

Funny how much sleep changes everything

Isn’t it

I always find it humbling when I realize how connected we are

We all are

Why do we avoid eye contact

Why do we avoid interaction

When its the one thing we all secretly crave

I’m a talker

I kinda never shut up

I have my reasons

Humans are just so interesting

I’m a  good listener

I’ve been told that’s what people like about me

Sometimes I feel like such a phony

My mind gets distracted somewhat easily

And then I forget the details

There’s always too many details

I’d rather feel that connection in the moment

I’m sorry to say, I might not remember it forever

I think I’ve damaged the memory parts of my brain

I just don’t notice the details

My roommate teases me about not noticing when we got a new fridge

I’m just much more interested in how your day was

In what drives you

In what your passions are

I don’t care what pattern the drapes are

I want to know what your sex life is like

I want to know what your dreams are about

I want to know what your beliefs are

I want to know the good stuff

I want to create a safe space for you to ask questions

Maybe get a few answers from my experience

I’ll tell you whatever you want to know

My life’s pretty wide open

I want to learn from you and your life

Its the same reason I offend people

With my frankness

I don’t understand what we’re all so private about

Just be accepting

And respectful of people’s boundaries

We’re all worth loving

We’re all worth everything

I have never hated anything so much

This place makes me disgusted

With everything that is around me

The people,

The mechanics of the job

The inability of others to do a job successfully

That requires so little from me to do it flawlessly

The smell of alcohol on his breath

And his clothes every morning

It makes me hate alcohol

It makes me never want to touch a drop of it

And affect someone else’s day by my debauchery again

I hate his triggers

The parts of his brain that have failed him

The way his father has enabled his behavior

And allowed his dis-function to create familiarity

I hate how it’s allowed

And we’re expected to negotiate his insanity

I hate the deadbeat idiots

That parade thru the office day in and day out

With such agony over the nonsense I call a job

I hate the shooting, stabbing pain in my shoulder

And my wrist everyday

I want to walk

I hate that something as ridiculous as money makes me stay

I have so much to say

I really do

I just haven’t had the time to think lately

I flipped the other night

I woke up at 2 AM to a sickening, panicky feeling

So intense I couldn’t get back to sleep

I started crying and tossing and turning

Finally, my efforts were rewarded

The sweet man next to me awoke

Asking what was wrong in his half awake state

Its the scariest craziest most exciting thing ever

You know

I mean who knows what it’s going to be like

Who knows how I’m going to be like

It’s really going to be this all-encompassing thing

And I’m glad for it

I’m in need of lots of it

But in my mind it has this distant looming-ness to it

It’s so not real yet

I haven’t done much to prepare for it

I mean the last two years have been preparation

But how do you prepare for the unknown

You just gotta jump in

It’ll be nice to have the summer off to mentally prepare

It’s just so vague

There  has to be some neurological disease

One they haven’t discovered yet

That is perfectly personified by my idiosyncrasies

I only like men that are one extreme or the other

My own emotions are varying extremes

I’m most comforted when I’m heartbroken or completely smitten

Its all I want to talk about

Its all I think about

It becomes the most intense obsession

Is that what love is?

Pure obsession with one spectrum of an emotion?

I have a hard time reading most men

My judgement is lacking

I tend to go for the oddballs

I am drawn to abnormalities

I find my subconscious always questioning myself

When will I reach that comfortable point of acceptance

All I want is everything

All I need are all the answers

Is that too much?

What are we gonna do with each other?

I don’t know two weirder people

But you totally love me

You want me and like me and its the nicest thing

I’m just plain happy and content

Its been a while since I’ve had anything close to that

I’m sure tomorrow will bring new challenges

But tonight,

In this moment,

Its me and you

And I’m blissful